U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
