I wish I only lived at night.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
