Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
