Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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