Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
