is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
