There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
