Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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