I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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