No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
