i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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