ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I think I died a long time ago.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
