Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
