I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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