You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
