I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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