im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
