i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
