i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
