sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
