I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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