exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
