I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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