I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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