it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
