do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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