Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
