So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
