Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize