just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
