In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
