omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
