somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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