I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
