I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
