Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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