I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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