I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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