This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
