your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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