At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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