Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
