ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
