I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
