You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Green mimosas i think yes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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