Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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