I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
