Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
