I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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