His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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