Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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